Sleep

Sleep is an elusive thing in my life. I don't know quiet what it is? My bedroom is calm and inviting. I have beautiful quilts keeping me warm and cozy and I even have a Percale pillowcase on my yummy feather pillow.I am tired when I retire, and I read a few minutes before my eyes start to droop. I fall asleep just fine...the problem is the staying asleep!

Most nights I don't sleep past 3am. Some nights I don't even make it till 1am. I wake up and look at the clock, sink back down between the covers, and try my hardest to fall back asleep. It is usually no use. I toss. I turn. I get up and visit the bathroom. But sleep does not return for me in my cozy little bed.

Years ago when this first started happening, I used to get up and get myself a cup of Sleep-time Tea, grab a warm afghan my mom made me, and pick up the book that I was reading at the time. I would head out to the quiet living room and read for hours at a time in the pre-dawn darkness. I read the entire Anne of Green Gables series that winter---right down to Anne's grandchildren. It was great...but I was so tired! I really just wanted to sleep.

Then I read in Ladies Home Journal that the worse thing you could do for insomnia was to GET OUT OF BED! You were suppose to lay there, and sleep would eventually come. NOT. Night after night the clock would say 3:00am...I was laying in the dark wondering when this magic of sleep would return, and Anne was having adventures without me.

Then someone suggested that maybe God was waking me up so I could pray or listen to something He was impressing on my heart. I wanted to tell that kind person that I was sure God knew I had 23 kids that would be waking up in a few hours for breakfast and school and that I was sure HE wanted me to have enough sleep so I did not strangle any of those kids because of sleep deprivation. But I did start to pray. I prayed for those kids. I did the VanWingerden Rosary as my Aunt Rose calls it. I would start with the oldest child and pray down the list of all the children. I would pray for general things like safety and health and also specific things like "Lord, I know that Justin has been lying to me about.....help me to catch him Lord in his lying." "I think that Susie is doing something wrong behind my back Lord....show me what!" You see I was being covert in my prayers---praying for kids to trip up so their sin would find them out!!!

Now don't get me wrong...my kids aren't that wicked...well not all of them. But I found the middle of the night to be the best time to unload to God my fears and suspicions about parenting. And most times I would fall asleep before I got to the bottom of the VW Rosary.

I had to switch that up after awhile cause the older kids were getting all the prayers and the "catch them in the act, Lord" while the younger ones were flying by under the radar!!I would fall asleep before I would get to their name on the list!  But it did seem to help me to fall back asleep...sometimes after a very long while..but at least for a little bit before the day would begin. I felt better when I got up after I had given to God all of my fears and concerns. And I would usually have some incite on what to do with a particular child.

I still have problems with sleep and after all these years, I have added to my list 14 grandkids, daughter and son in laws, and of course the 23 kids are still there. Just because you are grown and moved out does not mean you loose your place on the Rosary!

Being committed!

So----If I were to tell you that writing a blog takes commitment, would you believe me? If I were to tell you that the best intentions in the world will never get a blog written would you agree? If I were to tell you that I have the best intentions but no commitment, I know you would believe that! I have ended so many days these past few months with the nagging thought that I did not write in the blog again, and I should have. "I will do it in the morning!" was what I answered. "I promise!"

But a day would go by, then three and pretty soon it would be a week or two and nothing written. Nada---not nary a word. But today I found a moment of time, when I could sit here at the keyboard and write. And I can't really think of anything worth saying. Aaron Shust has a song that says "Give me words to speak, don't let my spirit sleep, cause I can't think of anything worth saying..." Life has been sad lately for many loved ones and friends, and I guess the weight of their sorrow is pushing hard on me. Nightmares have been my companion for the past few nights, and my thoughts have been consumed during the day with the burden these people carry and my part in sharing it with them. Sickness has visited our family for nearly a month and I am worn down by coughing and feeling miserable.

But I look out at the snow capped mountains and the beautiful fall colors and I have to smile and thank God for it all. It is such a comfort to see Him in the nature that surrounds me here in Colorado. Every day I am blessed to have a stunning view of Pikes Peak and the amazing Black Forest that surrounds our home. We have deer and squirrels and an occasional fox that visit us. The wildflowers in the meadow are so amazing.  A sign on my dining room wall says 'The Mountains Shall Bring Peace to the People' and how true that is for me. I do have peace even when I feel turmoil. I know who holds the future and I know I am in His hands. And in that I will rest.

And as for the blog---I will try to do better at writing more often and keeping you up to date. I always feel better after I have written...maybe that fact in itself will get me to do it on a more consistent basis.

The Urge to Write

I love to write. Stories, blogs, articles, book lists, grocery lists, chore sheets for the kids. Anything with words on it I love. I love beautiful stationary, gorgeous journals, note pads, and even scrap paper. Covering a blank sheet of paper with the written word is a challenge that I enjoy.

But since my granddaughter, Ashley died, I have had a difficult time writing. My journal has sat idle. My blog has but a few entries since that fateful day. Letters have been far and few between. I just can't seem to get out onto paper what I am thinking, feeling---living.

My therapist (yes-I have one) says that I should really try to force myself to write. She says getting these feelings down on paper and out of my head will be good therapy. That once they are out and not swirling around inside that I will feel better, more whole.

I struggle with what to write about. Should all my posts be about Ashley, and how this terrible accident changed our family forever? Dare I write about simple things like my garden or the hummingbirds outside the kitchen window, or my feelings on not wanting to start school back up again in 3 weeks! Does it diminish Ashley's life, and awful death if I write or talk about something else? 

I  need to write. I need to journal. I need to. So I am pushing myself outside of my comfort zone to start back up again. It may be shaky at first. But with God's help I am going to start this homework assignment.

I am sure many of the posts will refer to Ashley. She was such a big person in our lives that it would be hard not to include her. I am looking forward to seeing what God lays on my heart to put down on paper.

First subject......summers in Colorado

Starting Up Again

I have decided to start writing again. I have been encouraged by many to do so, and I think it is time. I decided to write about a favorite picture of mine.


This was taken last week before the Prom. It is of my son, Jordan 17 and my daughter, Kate14. They went to the prom together. Brother and sister---friends---pals. Kate got a dress on the sale rack and Jordan spent $$$ renting a white suit complete with SHINY white shoes.They looked adorable. Kate had just gotten braces the day before. Her mouth hurt...she did not want to smile...and I had to coax her to get this picture.

What I love about this photo is their eyes. So bright and shiny....full of youth and promise. Just makes me smile to look at them. Thought I would share their smiles with you.

Ashley

My 11 year old grand daughter died 2 weeks ago. She was doing something she loved the most....being with her family out on their boat.Her summers were filled with playing and animals and the outdoors. The water and her crab pots were among her favorites. She had come to Colorado this summer also. She had just returned home after visiting us with her brother, Jacob.

They have been coming out for 2 weeks for the past few summers, and we all really looked forward to these visits. We would have cookouts and lots of family over every day. Ashley would plan plays and craft days that she and her cousins would have. She was definitely the "ring leader" of all the grand kids and they all had a blast.

But this visit was a little different from the rest. She and I spent alot of time together---ALONE! That is unusual in this family to spend time ALONE with anyone as to the sheer numbers of people our family has. But we were able to, Ashley and I.

We went shopping together, out for lunch and even had tea together on my back porch. We had many talks about family, school, ballet and growing up. She was only 11, but had such in site into subjects that most of her peers would not even think about.

She struggled with being in dance anymore because she was troubled by the words to some of the music she was asked to dance to. She wondered if she would be a good older sister as she continued to grow up and asked why it was so hard to get older. She wanted her relationships to stay the same with her little sisters and brother, and she never wanted to be the "mean older sister".

She worried that she had trouble controlling her tongue and wanted to always say kind words and not to hurt anyone by something she might blurt out. She was on a quest to read through her Bible, and read each night under the covers in our guest bed with a tiny light glowing around her smiling face.

She came with us to play practice for the Wizard of Oz---a movie she had never seen. She sat watching as the kids learned dance moves to their parts. After a moment or two she ran to the back of the chorus line and learned the dance steps right along with all of the high school kids! She was able to pick it up so quickly that she showed us the entire dance in just a few minutes!

Then we went home and watched The Wizard of Oz together....she loved it!

She had the biggest hugs, the widest smile and seemed always ready for her next adventure. She loved to sit on our laps with her long arms draped over our necks and watch TV. Singing and dancing would burst spontaneously from her and she had the cutest laugh!

She loved her Lord Jesus for what he had done for her on the cross and was willing to serve God anyway He saw fit...but she hoped it was not being a nurse like her mom....she did not think she could handle all the blood! She wanted me to pick out books for her from my library that I thought she would like.....but not books with a predictable ending....(like everyone lived happily ever after). She wanted biographies of people who had made a difference....who had mattered...who had paid the price. Her eyes got wide as I told her about Fanny Crosby and Annie Sullivan and Helen Keller. She told me about Corrie Ten Boom and Indian captives that she had read about.

We stayed in the library a long time that afternoon talking and sharing and finally packing up a stack of books for her to take home. She didn't want to forget Jacob and had me pick out some books for him that I thought he might like as well.Then the time came for them to go home.

As we were standing waiting for the airplane to take her back to her mom and dad, she threw her arms around me for one last hug. It was tight, and long and she did not let go. She whispered into my shoulder, "I just want one more day grandma, just one more day...."

So do I Ashley, so do I.

Summer

Wow----has it really been over a month since I lasted posted.....where does the time go.

So to catch everyone up----summer is almost over for us---school will start the first week of September and that seems way too close! I have know idea what I am doing for this 22 year of this homeschooling adventure. 5 kids in my teaching care this year ----and not one of them LOVES to read! What am I to do? I have a huge library with some of the most amazing books on the planet, and no takers. Ahhhh to have the time to sit in my library and read all day.....

The dog, Racer, Josiah's companion dog, continues to be a fun companion. He is a little naughty when he is not on his leash and seems to find some pretty disgusting things to eat when he is off running around. But for the most part he has been a welcome addition to the family.

A hail storm of Biblical proportions took out my vegetable garden and herbs about a week ago. I did not have the heart to go down there all week. But yesterday I managed to walk through the ruin and see if anything was left. It pretty much looks like a weed whacker was let loose among the rows.....sigh. But I plan to cut everything back this week and give it all another chance.

With that hail storm, we got a torrential downpour, and with that we got flooding in our basement...the part in the basement that houses my library----all 10,000 books!!! After sucking up 10 gallons of water off of the floor, moving bookshelves and books, renting a carpet cleaner and trying to get the smell out of there---wiping down ALL 10,000 books---I think we are on an upswing. But the rain still may come and we have not fixed the leak where it came in during the first flood! Oh my---I get tired thinking about it all!

I have had a flurry of grand kids visit in the last few weeks. It was great---on the 4th of July, 13 out of the 14 grand babies were here visiting. It was noisy and loud and chaotic, but it was so cute seeing them all and watching them play! We had quite a few of them sleep overnight---"cousins camp" at grandmas. I must admit---I am not as young as I used to be and I have a little trouble keeping up with them all. Bedtime for grandma comes even a little sooner than some of the grand kids! But Jordan and Kate and Hannah and Chris and Daniel and Josiah are all great uncles and aunts and are great helpers to me! I could not have "cousins camp" without them!

So there you have it----a quick update on the past few weeks. The next few months will be busy with play practice starting (The Wizard of Oz) and a new ministry starting at the nursing home that I am running. Focus on the Family asked to air the show they did with me 10 years ago about our big, loud family. That should be on sometime in October, so that will be exciting all over again! Life is good----God loves me---- and the mountains are still there.....What else could I want!

Spring

I just spent the better part of the day out in the garden. What a lovely day. I weeded and planted and put fertilizer on all of the little seedlings that are taking root. My herbs from last year all seem to have made it through the very long winter, and are now bursting out of the ground with renewed strength!

I worked in the flower beds too and even cut a bouquet of lilacs and bleeding hearts for the table. It smells so yummy. Lilacs have to be one of natures most wonderful scents.....along with iris and jasmine and pansies and.....well you see what I mean.

When things seem a bit bleak, or life just isn't treating you quite right, a trip to the garden seems to make things a little better. The feel of the dirt between your toes and the life growing right in front of your eyes makes all the cares of this world fade away for a time and makes you smile.

I may have to spend a little more time out in my garden!